


Lifeless story.

by SiLkY_3



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crush at First Sight, Diary/Journal, F/M, Hospitalization, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Multi, Pansexual Character, References to Depression, Suicide Attempt, Temporarily Unrequited Love, black market
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2019-12-18 08:08:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18245837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SiLkY_3/pseuds/SiLkY_3
Summary: Kuroo sat next to an almost lifeless form in a private hospital room. Hooked up to machines the sounds echoed throughout the large room. Not even the open wide view of the city can remove this feeling of solitude.He decided to read something that was private. Hidden away and kept to themselves, Kuroo unraveled the life of the man who he fell in love with for only moments to be taken away. Kuroo reads and reads...“pathetic.. right?”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello people from all over the world! Here’s a new KurooxTsuki fic :3
> 
> I found an old journal of mine that dated back when I was 12. Little teenage me had some depressing things to say! 
> 
> So when I went through the journal my mind instantly thought of Tsuki and Kuroo!

               

 

 

 

                     Chapter 1

 

 

 

0345 am. 

 

Journal entry- 246

 

 

Being in love with someone for so long. 

It’s complicated. Often unexplainable and yet easily spoke of. Honestly it’s hard to conceal such ever blooming feelings. Locked away deep within myself and I find myself longing for a better way, a better view... 

 

It’s not as easy as one would think. 

Not for me anyway. 

 

Today just going to be another day where I dwell on useless thoughts and pine after a man whose unreachable. 

 

How pathetic. 

 

 

 

 

1650 pm

 

Journal entry-253

 

 

It’s late evening. I’m sitting outside the shared dorms of my university campus and writing inside this silly... 

 

Can’t call it silly since it has every thought I’ve written down. Moments and pictures. Doodles even. Cliche right....

 

Today.. today was hard to deal with. I happened to come face to face with a man I thought I’ve rid myself of. Forgotten and removed. Judging from his casual grin and those know it all eyes... ugh!!!!

 

It’s frustrating. To think after four years of not seeing each other, communication cut the moment he went off to University and forgot about his ko-

 

My heart couldn’t stop pounding erratically I almost could feel the palpitations. It was nerve wracking. Seeing him was nerve wracking. Dammit!

 

Love hurts..

 

 

 

 

1200pm

 

Journal entry 299

 

 

My birthday is almost here. Plans been made without my consent. Whom am I kidding. I actually want to participate. Everyone going to be there and I’m going to make an effort and socialise. 

 

Maybe, just maybe.. he’ll notice me. Like really notice me for me and not some kid he taught, provokes, workout or maybe even his shoulder to cry on because some girl dumped him...

 

Maybe it’ll turn out bad like I’ve known from the start. Maybe I should not go and cancel.. but Yamaguchi been looking forward to finally hanging out..

 

I’m hopeless...

 

 

 

 

0409 am

 

Journal entry 222

 

 

I’m becoming lost. 

Lost is an understatement. Pretty sure I’ve become insanely desperate. Maybe it’s both... 

 

Today was rather a rollercoaster of emotions and overwhelming anxiety on top. I didn’t know what to do or say. Hell. Pretty sure I made a full of myself. But there I was sitting under the cherry blossom tree. winds blew gently by causing the beautiful pink and white petals to flutter around. It was a beautiful site. One I lodged into memory and drew it out on my large canvas for art. 

 

The colours blended in nicely. Almost too precise. Too perfect. But I was in the zone. Until he showed up with his arm around the University football captain, Ayumi. She was drop dead gorgeous. Dark brown eyes pierced through me. Brown hair slightly curled at the end and she was dressed for the season. 

 

It’s spring. 

I hated it. 

I also destroyed the painting I’ve done after she complimented how breath taking it was. 

 

I envied the woman who smiled wholeheartedly at the man I wish to be next to. 

 

 

....

 

 

 

 

A quiet snap of a book echoed throughout the room. It was suffocating to hear. But it had to be done for himself to understand what went wrong or how oblivious he was. Sniffling quietly in their seat, wiping away stray tears. This man sat next to a hospital bed which is occupied by a male two years younger than him. 

 

Sobs were heard next and the journal he held dropped with a loud thud. How did he not see this. How could he keep these feelings deep inside and went on with his every day life? Why didn’t he confess? 

 

So many questions that cannot be answered. How can they when the very man who wrote these words, slept soundlessly away. Deep in there subconscious. A coma. 

 

Kuroo gripped his hair and pulled. He wanted to scream. He wanted to shout. He wanted the person laying peacefully to wake up and tell him it’s going to be okay. That everything be different. Spout about nonsense, volleyball, childhood memories. Anything. 

 

‘Keep reading’ the voice inside his head whispered. ‘Read. Read for him.’ The voice continued and Kuroo shook his head. 

 

“I c-can’t” he wailed. 

 

How can he continue reading these journals out loud in hopes the man will show signs of awakening or awakening at all. Fat drops of tears plop onto the cold tiled floors. Kuroo head bowed. Through blurred watery eyes, he saw one of the journals open to a page from the middle. He couldn’t make sense of the words nor can he properly depict the drawing. 

 

Sucking in a deep breath, rubbing the rest of tears away. Kuroo gently picked up the journal. There was no date on this page either. Just the time of the day and what number entry. Skimming over the paragraph, hazel eyes watered again. 

 

Staring up at him was himself, Bokuto and Akaashi. Each face was heavily detailed. From Akaashi’s eyes to Bokuto’s ridiculous hair style followed by his own smirk and jaw line. Kuroo traces the drawings with his index finger and ran over the lines smoothly and softly, afraid he’ll rub the pencil off. 

He murmured the words that was written down below.

 

‘Even though I refused. They gave me a reason to try harder.’ 

 

Kuroo looks up from the book and gazes mournfully at the limp body. Machines beeping making him aware that he’s still breathing, still alive and still his presence was here. Kuroo looks back down, swallowed the lump that constricted his throat and continued to read the journal entry. 

 

 

...

 

 

1630

 

Journal entry - 145

 

 

Today was a struggle. I couldn’t believe I fell for the third year Nekoma provocations and practised blocking against Bokuto. Bokuto was a roller coaster. His personality was really something unexplainable. I’m not sure how Akaashi deals with Fukurodani Ace. I was a little envious.. just slightly. 

 

My attention was mostly on key skills that I needed to learn and harness my full capacity of becoming the best middle blocker for my team. 

 

I still have a long way to go. I’m not up to par with Kuroo. I’ll never will. But I know I can try....

 

This evening also threw me a curve ball. I discovered that I’m attracted to Kuroo. At first when I met him at our practice game It was nothing more than a passing. A one time feeling that dissolved as quickly as it came. Funny how things turns out.

 

I learnt my feelings for Kuroo was permanent. A never ending of whirlwind of butterflies and a lot of pining.. 

 

Turns out Kuroo straight. I’m pansexual....

 

First love always hurt. So I’ve been told....

 

 

‘My time with these three was the best. I drew them mostly from memory. But all I can do is stare at Kuroo smirk and his catlike hazel eyes...’

 

 

....

 

 

Kuroo found an empty journal book next to the bed. He had a feeling Tsuki mother had left it here for a reason. When the accident happened she not blame him for it. Chose to accept him and said ‘the universe have a funny way of directing everyone to a destination’  and Kuroo believed her. 

 

Grabbing a pen, Kuroo glances at the blonde whose comatose for a period of three days. Sixteen hours and fifty five minutes. The seconds aren’t important. But his time here does. 

 

 

Journal entry - 1 

March 22nd 

12am 

 

 

Three days ago I learnt I had feelings for a friend who I thought was beyond my reach. Little did I know.. I was the one who was unreachable. 

 

Three days... Tsukishima Kei pushed me aside when a oncoming car speed down  the busy streets of Tokyo... we were arguing... 

 

Tsuki body flew across the road....

 

 

Kuroo started crying silently and his first journal entry was soaking in his tears.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for reading the last chapter and I hope you all enjoy chapter 2. 
> 
> :)

April 01  
Journal entry 10

 

My heart gave out when good news were told during my time away from the hospital. Tsuki been showing signs of awakening. I was happy to know I’ll be seeing those soft honey brown irises again. Then again I felt nervous at the same time. Doctors and surgeons clarified there may be complications when Tsuki wakes. 

I didn’t want to think about it. I just want to see Tsuki awake and bantering backwards and forwards. I want to see him be lively... well as lively as his normal self can be. 

But all good news must have at least some sort of bad news amongst it...

Again my mind tried to push those frightening thoughts away. 

‘He may wake up and be normal or he can wake up and think he no longer knows you. In some cases amnesia can be permanent, temporary or highly misplaced.’

The doctors fear Tsuki may wake up and thinks he’s 10 or younger again and not his 22 year old self. The damage done to his skull showed where it punctured his brain. Tsukishima family were happy to know he didn’t suffer any brain damage. But the thought of amnesia.. it sat heavily upon them. 

My mind couldn’t wrap itself around the thought of Tsuki waking up and he doesn’t recognises anyone. . .

 

-

 

Kuroo finished writing in his journal and set it down on the small table that sat next to the hospital bed. He came in early this morning to say his good mornings, change the flowers and arrange the seating area before heading off to university. 

Classes were a bore. Mostly. But he plunged through knowing he’ll be back and sitting next to the blonde once again after his classes had finished. Hazel eyes glances up towards the black framed clock, ticking away. It read 5:15pm. It’s early evening and Kuroo starts work an a hour. He doesn’t want to go but knew making a living was a top priority. Especially for a fourth year student. 

Standing up from his seated position while shouldering his bag, Kuroo glances at Tsukii and looks at him properly. The blondes chest rises up and down, an oxygen mask covered half of his face helping him to breath more oxygen. Kuroo lifted his hand. They were trembling. 

Flashes of the accident escaped Kuroo mind and he sucked in a deep breath. The argument which led to Tsuki screaming for him to move followed by a loud bang and then screeching tires. 

Kuroo’s eyes were shut tight as he distinctively remembers falling backwards and the blonde body colliding with an oncoming car. Pieces of glass shards scattered the road and Kuroo choked on a sob. Opening his eyes again he looks at the almost lifeless body that laid still. Only signs of movement were his chest rising and the odd twitch of pale fingers. 

Tsukii mother had asked him what happened that day. Kuroo explained in full detail. . . Akiteru had brought him in a tight embrace and apologized. Kuroo didn’t understand why the older male was apologizing for until his childhood friend explained. 

‘He’s saying sorry because you witness a horrific scene. Not many people are able to tell the story and still see the same person, living and breathing.’

Kenma was right in that aspect. He witness a horrific scene. Held the very body that was slipped from consciousness and unconsciousness. Battle with himself to not yell at the paramedics to do there job properly and forced himself not to lock himself in the hospital bathroom and scrub at his blood stain hands. 

The whole scenario was a living nightmare. . . 

 

Blinking back tears, Kuroo once over the blonde one more time and leaned over towards the man forehead. Soft and slightly chapped lips caresses gently against pale skin and a soft whisper of words escaped Kuroo mouth.

“Morning Tsukii.”

Along these awaiting days, Kuroo been writing in the spare journal. So far the book only seem to be filled with useless thoughts or depressing matters that aren’t related to what he’s feeling. A small portion of the journal told how Kuroo really felt about the situation, his feelings for Tsuki and how most nights are hell. 

The accident haunts him.  
It’s like a jinx or a curse been placed on his conscious and forced his mind to relay the event. He doesn’t know or he wishes to forget. 

Kuroo can’t forget. He blames himself. 

 

-

 

Nationals.  
1245pm

 

Karasuno just defeated Nekoma.  
Part of me wanted this win. But I also didn’t want the team to win. Greedy isn’t. 

Facing Nekoma meant facing Kuroo. I was nervous and I was scared. Seeing Kuroo stand before me with his usual shit eating grin. . . I didn’t know how to react at the time. But as the game went on, we bantering between one another. It felt like surreal. . . What am I saying it was real and it happened. I was so excited. 

So when Karasuno won the match I almost hyperventilated from the sudden victory. I almost lost myself in my swirl of emotions I didn’t expect Kuroo to come up to me and bring me into his arms, congratulating me. I almost broke down in tears right then and there when I heard his voice crack and trying his hardest to prevent himself from crying. 

So when he pulled away with a genuine smile, unshed tears in the corner of his~

 

💛

 

Kuroo smiled to himself as he read the rest of the journal. He remembers that day clearly. Remembers going backwards and forwards with their usual banter and witty comments. He chuckled as Daichi voice echoed through his mind. 

‘If it’s getting too much, I can punch him for you.’

Kuroo looked over towards the hospital bed and stood up. He felt his bones protest from sitting too long and wiggles his limbs to get some feeling back. 

Doctors came in again and took Tsukii and asked everyone to leave so they can examine the blonde. Earlier fiasco caused a bit of a panic and Tsukii Mum asked for them to be sure nothing else is wrong. If anything Kuroo could see the woman was very afraid but hopeful.

He doesn’t blame her. 

So deep in thought he jumped once he felt large hands slam down on his broad shoulders. Swirling around and glaring at the person who smiled cheekily, Bokuto laughed causing Kuroo glare to intensify. 

“Looks like you startle the cat” came a smooth voice from behind silver and black streaked hair. 

Kuroo side glances said person and sighed. Relaxing his shoulders Kuroo warily smiles at his friends.

“Warn someone, also. Why are you two here.?” Kuroo questioned rudely as he sat back down next to the hospital bed. 

Bokuto and Akaashi looked at each other. Sighing, Akaashi walked to the other side of the bed and removed the dying sunflowers and replaced them with orange and white lilies. Bokuto on the other hand sat himself next to his dark haired friend and watched as golden eyes followed his movement. 

After a brief moment of silence, Bokuto groaned. “We’re worried.” He whined.   
“You’ve missed practise for almost two weeks! Coach is about to stand you down and put Lev in for the next match.”

“If that’s the case. I don’t mind.” Kuroo says monotonously. 

Bokuto was ready to jump Kuroo but Akaashi intervenes by saying coldly.

“Do you honestly think Tsukishma-kun will enjoy seeing you cooped up in here and wasting an opportunity away?”

Kuroo went to snap back but Akaashi glared and pointed at the lifeless body.

“He didn’t push you out of the way for no reason but hopelessly loving you and saving you from an injury that’ll force you to give up on a dream!”

Kuroo’s eyes widened in realisation and also the fact Akaashi had yelled. Bokuto went to shush his boyfriend but Akaashi pushed forward with hard, blunt facts

“He loved you! Loved you enough to risk his own life.” Akaashi growled. He was angry and immensely frustrated. 

“How long are you going to wallow in self pity?.”

Harsher words never spoken so clearly and it dawned on to Kuroo. He’s been punishing himself since the accident. He’s been coming backward and forwards between university and work, never stopping. Apart of him wanted to snap back but knew the outcome would be naught and with Bokuto here as well, Kuroo knew the wing spiker won’t put up with his bullshit when it comes to Akaashi. 

He re-focused his eyes on the sleeping form and felt Akaashi’s own gun metal eyes on him. Even Bokuto carefully watched, both waiting. 

As the silence stretched between them and the sounds of the heart monitor beeping away, Akaashi tsked loudly. It was unlike him. But Kuroo knew the raven haired was annoyed. 

Instead of answering, Kuroo leant forward in his seat and opened his satchel to pull out a journal that was dated back to Tsukishima days in high school. Opening and flipping to a page where he folded the top left corner of the page, he held it out for both men to see.

“You and Tsuki were close.” Kuroo stated and his eyes went to Bokuto.   
“He mentions you a lot” he said with a frown and handed over the journal. 

Bokuto carefully held the book and looks up at Akaashi, Akaashi himself was curious as to what was written but kept in mind how Kuroo changed the subject. 

Quiet murmurs were spoken and a quiet gasp soon followed. Kuroo looks over at Akaashi and noticed how he traced over a drawing that Tsukki had drawn. Bokuto was still reading and his eyes glistened. A bubble of laughter sounding choked left the wing spiker lips. 

‘Bokuto-san can be quite. . Dramatic?’

Akaashi said aloud in question and Bokuto loudly responded with a Hey!  
Both men chuckled and continued to read and Kuroo mindlessly stared after the blonde until Bokuto murmured what he’s already read. 

“I overheard Bokuto talking to Kuroo about how he could no longer see Akaashi the same way. A dear friend. He spoke how he wanted to confess. Bokuto voice held fear and sounded lost. 

I wish I was brave as Bokuto-san. I too wish to confess to K-Kur-. . . “

Bokuto head turned to look at his friend who sat beside him almost causing him whiplash from the sudden turn of his head. Akaashi gaped. He did not know Bokuto truly felt this deeply about him. He was speechless. 

But something else irked Bokuto. 

“He’s as formal as he is in this journal” he exclaimed. 

Kuroo started laughing from the sudden outburst and Akaashi sighed. 

“You read all of that and your reaction to it all is how formal he is?”

Bokuto nodded his head frantically.  
“It’s typical Tsukii I can hear it inside my head as I read the whole paragraph.”

Akaashi only smiled and shook his head at his boyfriend antics. It’s true. Tsukishima had a knack of being formal when speaking to people who are older. If the blonde was fond of you, it’ll be without the formalities, unless you ask.   
But Akaashi mind went to straight to the point of his earlier discussion and his gunmetal eyes stared heavily at the dark haired male who sat close by Tsukishima. 

Sighing again, Akaashi sat on the edge of the bed and carefully lifted pale hand and laid it upon his lap. 

“I miss him too. Bokuto does as well and we know you miss him too.” Akaashi whispered. 

“So let us in bro.”

Kuroo half covered his face to hide the fact he was tearing up again. 

Truer words are always spoken.   
His friends are here and he needs to accept that he’ll always have support.   
Kuroo just wished Tsukii was here to see it as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed chapter two and have a lovely Easter holiday!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone and thank you all for reading the previous chapter. 
> 
> I got a little carried away in this chapter and had to cut at least 3k out lol.   
> But hopefully you guys enjoy it.

**Chapter 3**

  
  
  
  


  
It was chilly this summer evening and it was unsettling but nothing less, it was worth feeling the cool breeze.  
Kenma wistfully looks at the starry sky and blinks as a shadow approached from behind. His own golden eyes side glances his friend and pockets his portable console. He hasn’t seen Kuroo for the last few weeks and he was glad to hear from Bokuto and Akaashi that they’ve managed to sink some sense into his child hood friend.   
  
Kuroo exhales slowly and watches the stars as well. Kenma smiles and waited patiently for his friend to speak. Times like these it’s usually the other way around. Kuroo waiting patiently and sometimes offer some advice to help cheer him up. Kenma feels like its déjà vu. But he waits. . .   
  
Apparently patience isn’t his forte for he ended occupying his hands with his console again. Kenma forgot it was always Kuroo who was always good with these emotional talks and not the other way around. He heard Kuroo quiet mirth of laughter.   
  
“What” Kenma muttered.  
  
Kuroo laughter became louder. Even his friends shoulders shook while black hair swayed from him shaking his head.  
  
Chuckling, Kuroo smiles. “You’re not very good at these are you.” Kenma left eye twitched and he pressed the wrong buttoned on his game, causing his character to dodge right and caught between vines and poison.   
  
“Game over.” The game yelled and the half blonde groaned. “Obviously not.” Kenma said and pocketed his console again. “But you are and yet you’re trying to avoid the conversation entirely.”  
  
Kuroo hummed in agreement and tilted his head for Kenma to see him lazy smirk on his face. “I guess you can say that.”  
  
Rolling his catlike eyes, Kenma started walking off, Kuroo laughter resounded after him followed by quick footsteps.   
Walking in silence and starting off to the distance like some sappy romance that surprisingly made Kenma mentally groan in despair, a small smile graced his face.   
  
“I here Tsukishima waking up.” Kenma said. Kuroo hummed but it sounded off.   
  
Kenma frowned. His smile lost as he noticed Kuroo stopped walking and strained his neck to stare up at the dark sky again.   
  
“Kur-“  
  
“Doctors announced Tsukki may have damaged his eyes during the accident. They’re not 100 percent sure.”  
  
Kenma gasped in shock and looked at his childhood friend.   
  
Kuroo looked at his best friend with unshed tears and a wobbly smile.   
“They even said Tsukii may wake up and not remember a dam t-thing. The accident. His family and friends.” Kuroo choked. “Fuck! He might even forget about me!”   
  
Kuroo’s tears finally fell and he swiped them away as they continued to fall. Kenma stood still as he let his friend cry and shout. He would’ve comfort the man but knew his friend needed to let it all out. But crying in anguish in the middle of the road heading towards home, Kenma launch himself and wrapped his small arms around his friend.   
  
Kuroo sobbed pitifully. Kenma tightened his hold and pushed his own tears at bay. “The accident.” Kenma started with a swallow. “H-how. . .” He cut himself short knowing it was too soon for his friend to speak.   
  
But Kuroo choked on his saliva. His shoulders shook as he covered his face with his hands. The mental image replayed over and over the accident that scared the living shit out of him, turned his dreams into nightmares and sometimes his day is threatened of horrid images. But Kuroo knows he needs to talk and knows Kenma will respect him for not speaking but Kuroo knows he needs to get this off his chest.  
  
“I-I tried to confess.” Kuroo started.   
“I told Tsukki that I had feelings for him and that I’ve been harboring them since the second term of his university year. At first he looked relieved but as if he came to a sudden realisation, Tsukii became guarded and withdrawn.”  
  
Kenma had pulled away from his hug and looked up at Kuroo who managed to put a stop to his tears. Well temporarily it seem but it didn’t stop Kenma from tearing up as well.   
  
Kuroo stuttered as he talked. Explained how his confession became an argument of true desires and mostly sexuality.   
  
“Tsukii said how can I fall for a man let alone look at a man the same way you’ll see in woman. Affection, adoration, love, sex. Everything else that can be seen in a person.” Kuroo started to laugh a little as he wiped his eyes with his sleeve.  “Tsukki said to me that I couldn’t be in love with h-him. I’ve only ever been with woman and not men.”  
  
Kenma listen carefully as Kuroo explained.  Tsukishima had a point. How can His own friend suddenly start developing romantic feelings for someone or in this case, a male. Kenma has read that it’s quite often for various of sexual desires cause a type of spark that later dissolves after experiencing the thrill of it. But Kenma knew. Knew Kuroo held more than a one off night or a temporary bed partner. But why would Tsukishima reject Kuroo so bluntly if he harboured the same feelings for almost four years.   
  
As if a light bolt went off above his head, Kenma understood why Tsukishima suddenly rejected and rebuffed Kuroo. “Tsukishima thought you were unreachable.” Kenma spoke softly, Kuroo had to strain his ears to listen carefully.   
  
Frowning Kuroo asked what his friend meant. So Kenma repeated a piece from  Tsukishima journal that Kuroo had retold to him.   
  
“Kuroo unreachable.” Kenma said louder. “Tsukishima always thought of you as someone he can never have. Someone he wished to stand next to, you who he’s been pining after for several years was told by the same man that he’s been in love with him. How else do you react” he said after puzzling everything together.  
  
Kuroo still frowned. He didn’t understand. But Kenma shook his head and looked around for any clue to where they were. His eyes widened once he notice the area. It was the back entrance of their university. Yellow tape surrounded an area by a lone tree where the bike stand usually is. Kenma quickly glances up at his friend and Kuroo stared hauntingly at the place where everything came crashing down.   
  
“Is this. Is this the car site?” Kenma asked. Kuroo nodded.   
  
“We were walking to the cafe we usually meet up on Wednesday afternoons.” Kuroo says quietly. “I made it customary since I’ve never really got to spend time with him.”  
  
Kenma listened.   
  
“Honestly. It was an excuse to be with him.”  
  
Kuroo similes wistfully and let his tears fall again. “We stopped in the middle of the road. Only because I yanked Tsukii arm back to argue how much he meant to me. But of course Tsukii rebelled and tried to argue that can’t or I won’t enjoy a relationship with a man. He was adamant.”  
  
Kuroo sniffled and Kenma held onto his best friend hand to show his support, to show that he’s here to help.  
  
“The images of a mangled body laid across the hood of white sedan car, blood pooling and slowly dripping. A motorcycle wedge into the drivers side while the motorist laid across the road, in pain. But all I can see when I close my eyes is when Kei’s eyes started to lose life, they filled with every shaky breath he took!” Kuroo cried out in anguish and both his hands pulled at his hair. Tears streamed down his face and Kenma too reared up.   
  
“A-all I c-can do w-was watch. M-mmy bod-y couldn’t move. All I c-can see his Kei’s e-eyes welling up and, and pushing me out of t-the way.” Kuroo stuttered. He clenched his eyes closed as the memory replayed. “He told me. “  
  
  
Kenma finished the sentence for his friend. Only because he couldn’t stand seeing how broken his childhood friend become. “Tsukishima told you he loved you.”  
  
It was enough for Kuroo. He fell hard to the ground and screamed. It’s all he could think of. All he could do and Kenma hugged Kuroo for dear life. It’s all he can do for his dear friend.  
  
  
💫  
  
  
 ** _‘Why do you sleep.’_** ** _  
_**  
. . . .  
  
 ** _‘Who are you waiting for.’_** ** _  
_**  
. . . . .  
  
Voices echoed around an empty white walled room. It was suffocating to hear them repeat itself. Over and over the words will replay, it reminded the lone figure of an old record player. It almost felt like time had been stopped or maybe it repeated itself like in the movies where you’re stuck in a world and it stays the same only for it to be the same day, same time, same morning. Well in his case. Same walls.  
  
Light brown eyes glances around for the thousandth time. Apparently his vision is 20:20. In this place it is. He thinks he’ll take advantage of this fact even if it means staring at nothing or searching for the voices that aren’t here.   
  
Sighing, he clasped his hands in front of himself and fiddle with his fingers. A habit he developed since he was child. Mostly out of nerves or a shield of protection.   
  
**_‘Protection from what’_** the voice whispered.   
  
Blonde eyebrows furrowed and a small frown adorned soft pink lips. Voice like honey he responded.   
  
“From you?” He questioned.   
  
**_‘Hmmmm_**.’ The voice echoed. **_‘You’re protecting yourself?”_** ** _  
_**  
This time the voice sounded closer and the short blonde hair swayed as he moved his head to the right. Nothing was there but he felt surreal just a moment ago.  
  
 ** _‘Looking for someone.’_** The voice asked.   
  
Long limbs wrapped around slender waist.   
“No.” He whispered back.  
  
 ** _‘Are you sure?’_** ** _  
_**  
“Yes.”  
  
There was a pregnant pause and then the voice sighed heavily and materialized out of thin air. Light brown eyes widened and the young adult took a step back as he watched a reflection of himself stand before him.   
  
**_‘Hello_**.’ The voice greeted. **_‘Do you know who I am?.’_** ** _  
_**  
Shaking his head the blonde felt fear creep up on him and he didn’t like it.  
  
The voice smiled gently at his doppelgänger.  
 ** _‘You’re afraid.’_** ** _  
_**  
“W-wouldn’t y-you be?.”  
  
The voice shook his head and tilted it a little. With a coy smile he gave the man an understanding look. **_‘We’re one.’_** ** _  
_**  
Tightening his hold on his waist the blonde shook his head in defiance. He didn’t believe this imposter. “  
 ** _‘Why don’t you open your eyes.’_** ** _  
_**  
Soundless. Blinded. Pain.  
  
That’s all he felt. That’s all he can think. The voice that been echoing around the open space, white and clear. It was weird.   
“They are open.”  
  
The voice laughed out loud. Full blown laughter that sounded sarcastic But Tsukii ignored it. Instead his eyes catches on something by its feet. Curious, Tsukii had a proper look.  
  
A lone journal sat opened and faced down. Pale fingers reached for it but it immersed through the hardcover. He sighed and tried again. The voice grew louder with questions and Kei was trying with all his might to grab the journal. But it was naught. His counterpart chuckled lightly and picked it up for him but held it.  
  
Kei sent himself a pleading look but they shook his head. **_‘I wouldn’t read this one.’_** ** _  
_**  
Frustrated, Kei snapped. “Why the fuck not. This is my mind, I should be able to read whatever the hell I want.”  
  
The voice raised his eyebrow and Kei mouth fell open in shock. **_‘Your mind, you say?’_** The voice sneered. **_‘Yet you can’t comprehend~’_** ** _  
_**  
“ _Hey Tsukii_.”  
  
Kei and his counterpart froze as they heard a familiar voice. Kei searches around him to locate it but all he saw was emptiness. The familiar voice echoed through again.  
  
 _“Mind if I read another of your journals?”_ _  
_  
Tsukii eyes started to tear up and a whine escaped his lips. His counterpart look everywhere as well, there own eyes held fear. But Tsukii ignores it for the time being and continued to look around.  
  
“ _March 30th, 0:00am. Wow you wrote this one late. Well. A lot of your journals are written early hours of the morning. Anyway._ _  
_ _  
_ _March 30th, I couldn’t sleep so I tried to wear my brain out by working on more homework. It didn’t help nether did the music. I was almost tempted to walk downstairs and go for a walk down to our private gardens. It’s cold so I rather not.”_ _  
_ _  
_Kei looked up at the roof of his closed room and listened. He remembers this night rather well. It was also the night Kuroo rang him. He was drunk.  
  
The voice continued to read through passages after passages, comments on certain sections and Kei choked on his spit when the voice stumbled on a rather touching journal entry.   
  
“ _November 17th. I wanted to wish Kuroo a happy birthday but he seemed content with the people around him. I didn’t want to intrude. He’s happy. Very happy. I’m glad. I decided to skip his birthday dinner and gave him my gift before leaving. My heart couldn’t handle the amount of love he was spreading inside me. It hurting a lot. I find myself lost when I speak to Kuroo in private or just with people in general. I feel like I’m going to break.”_ _  
_  
Kei bottom lip wobbled as he listened. He heard Kuroo choke on the last sentence. He must be disgusted, Tsukii thought but his doppelgänger glared as if he knew where Kei’s mind was going. He thought Kuroo had left but he could mistakenly hear the quiet sigh.  
  
  
“ _I met up with Kenma today._ _  
_ _He..._ _  
_ _Kenma usually the one seeking comfort and not me. But after the last few weeks I guess I needed that comfort. I unconsciously lead him to the site where y-you got hurt. God that was horrible. The images relayed over and over inside my head and I couldn’t help but break down right there......_ _  
_ _  
_ _I really miss you. Even though your laying right there. I miss hearing your v-voice. I miss seeing your e-eyes. Shit, I even miss hearing the snark that comes from that mouth of yours....”_ _  
_ _  
_  
Suddenly Kei felt warmth surround him and his counterpart eyes widened in disbelief.  
  
 _“So hurry up and wake up so I can prove to you that I meant every word...”_ _  
_  
  
💫  
  
  
Kuroo closed up the journal he finished reading and placed it next to the rest of the journals that sat under the hospital bed. He stood up from his spot and leaned over to press his lips against Tsukii forehead.   
  
“So hurry up and wake up so I can prove that I meant every word..” he whispered.   
  
Kuroo pulled away and went to remove his hand from the blonde cold ones, only to freeze.   
  
There was pressure on his hand and his eyes widened. Looking back at the blonde he noticed Kei eyelids moving rapidly.  
  
  
  
  
  
 ** _“NURSE!”_** ** __  
**  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for reading and leaving kudos and comments. I apologise for any grammar mistakes and spelling. This chapter was abit emotional as I typed it out I ended up with a headache lol. It I hope you all loved it. 
> 
> See you guys in the next chapter.


	4. Chapter 4 pt.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all. I’m really sorry for updating this so late. It was up and ready a month or so ago but family matters and personal situations happened all at once. It was a rollercoaster of emotional stunts and mental exhaustion. Didn’t help I overworked myself and fell ill. 
> 
> Being an adult is really consuming haha. 
> 
> Anyway. Chapter four is in two parts and will start being a little twisted. please, please, if anyone reading my fic & find some  
> Parts of the chapter offensive or triggered due to past abuse (mental or physical) I apologise and please do not read any further. 
> 
> Furthermore, please enjoy.

* * *

**_June 25th. 05:45am_ **

  
  
  


_I’ve been awake for almost three days, the pain I feel swirling around my leg, arms and abdomen are a bitch to handle. But I carry on. I didn’t want to wake the nurse because I’m sore._

 

_The doctor been coming in doing random test. First it was my eyesight. Apparently small fragments of glass had punctured my eye and they couldn’t do a proper follow up until I was awake._

 

_I’m blind in my left eye._

 

_Physically I accepted the outcome. Emotionally I was torn up. They asked if I wanted to remove it, I asked for them to leave it. A reminder I whispered. My mother cried. I don’t know why though. Actually I’m not even sure if she’s my actual mother. She claims she is. I suppose that’s fine. Seeing out of one eye will be hard to deal with. Hard to accept. But I have to make do._

_I have to._

 

_The injuries I suffered from the accident are permanent. It’s frustrating because I don’t know how I sustained them in the first place. No one has told me or even given me an idea of how I got them._

 

_That’s another thing! Because if the injury I received on my head, they diagnosed me with temporary amnesia. Basically I can remember some things just not a lot. Take my “mother” as an example. I woke up to her face crying and her bubbling nonsense. First thing I asked was who she was. It seemed to me saying that only made her more upset. I asked everyone in the room who they were and each person eyes spoke louder did then their words._

 

 _“_ **_He can’t remember.”_ **

 

_Those were the words I kept hearing being repeated over and over again. It starting to annoy me…_

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Kei dropped his pen on top of the table And rubbed the bridge of his nose. His glasses fell off his face. He felt they were useless considering he can’t see out of one. He felt useless. Kei can’t explain a lot of things he can’t even look into his mother's eyes and tell her he’ll remember or everything will be okay. Because he can’t say it and he can only stare guiltily for causing her grief. 

 

There was a quiet taps against his door and he sighed. Looking up and towards the source of the noise and he felt his face suddening flush. 

 

Kuroo smiles as he enters with a bag in his left hand and what looked like books from his university. Placing the bag next to Kei and his books on the table on Kei’s right side of the bed, Kuroo sat down on the plush seats for visitors. 

 

“Hey Tsukii. How’s it going” Kuroo asked. Kei squinted his one eye and noted how the man sounded a little too enthusiastic. Kuroo forced another smile, hoping Tsukii wouldn’t notice. 

 

The blonde did. But he chose to keep it as if he didn’t catch on. “I’m fine.” He responded and adjusted his seated position and pointed at the bag. “What’s this?”

 

Kuroo smiles and lifted the bag, shaking it abit, Kuroo offered it to the blonde before resting comfortably against the couch again. Curious, Tsukii opened the bag and his face lit up with happiness. 

Pulling the items out one by one, Kuroo couldn’t help but chuckle at the blondes excitement. He was happy. 

 

Small slice of strawberry shortcake, three punents of freshly plucked strawberries and Tsukii felt butterflies as he carefully placed them on his bed. Looking back at Kuroo he said a quick thank you and dug right into the shortcake. 

 

Kuroo watches Tsukii eat in silence. When he Tsukii opened his eyes and greeted everyone with confusion, Kuroo knew straight away. Everyone’s hopes of the blonde not having amnesia was all for naught and Kuroo doesn’t know what to do when the blonde looks at him shyly or embarrassed by being caught for staring too long. Apart of Kuroo wanted ween his way through, open the blonde up a bit and then take his chance, a second chance, but knew it could backlash against him. 

 

Tsukii was humming away as he enjoyed savoring every bite he took from the strawberry shortcake and Kuroo secretly imprinted this image and smiled softly. Moments like these are hard to come by, whether it be Tsukii before the accident or after, Kuroo felt the need to cherish it. 

 

He must’ve been staring for a long while because Tsukii coughed to grab his attention. Kuroo blinks and realized what he was doing and apologised profusely. He paused when he noticed how red the blondes face was and Kuroo suddenly went shy himself. 

 

It was so unlike him but also because he overjoyed. 

 

“S-sorry.” Kuroo says meekly and peaks under his eyelashes to see Tsukii half cover his face but still maintaining eye contact. 

 

“N-no i-it’s fine. I should’ve said something when I noticed you were daydreaming.” Tsukishima said and he slowly removed his hand away from his burning face. 

 

Kuroo smiles once again but this time more genuine than before. “How did your physiotherapist go.”

 

Tsukishima looks at his left leg then back at those catlike eyes with disdain. “Apparently I’ll be doing light exercise every morning to help gain muscle memory.”

 

Kuroo nods his head and glances down at the blondes body. He was wearing a moon boot for his left leg, cast for his right arm and Kuroo well aware of the bandages hidden underneath the hospital gown. He’s aware of the emotional distress and the physical. What Kuroo really isn’t knowledgeable of, is Tsukishima’s left eye. 

 

Kuroo was there when doctors announced Tsukii is indeed blind but in one eye. But they’ll need to perform surgery to remove it or else it’ll cause nerve damage for the right….

 

He doesn’t know what to do.

 

“Kuroo-san?” Tsukishima called out, waving his hand in front of the dark haired face. Kuroo jolted from his reverie. 

 

“Sorry. Lost in thought” Kuroo smiles easily.

 

Tsukishima stared at Kuroo, causing the older man swallow nervously. 

 

“Okay” Tsukii says and went back to eating his favourite fruit and cake. At least he didn’t forget about that. 

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


**_“Do you know why you’re here?”_ **

 

_“No?”_

 

**_“My son. I need you to do something for me. But you have to promise not to say a word to your mother. Am I understood.”_ **

 

_“....yes sir..”_

 

**_“Good. On the week of the full moon, you and I will be attending… a gallery-“_ **

 

_“Paintings?”_

 

**_“No. No, something better and possibly more gratifying.”_ **

  
  


**___ **

  
  


_“Father. Why are there so many children?”_

 

_….._

 

_“F-father?”_

 

**___ **

  
  


**“Two million.”**

 

**_“Can’t I get him for more?”_ **

 

**“Two million. That’s it.”**

 

_“....dad?”_

 

**___ **

  
  


_“Wha-what’s going on? Where are you taking me? Whe-where’s my dad?”_

 

**___ **

  
  


**_“DAD!”_ **

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Tsukishima bolted upright, cold sweat dripping down his forehead and resting against the side of his face. His breathing was laboured and Tsukishima was trying his hardest to inhale slowly. It wasn’t until he felt firm hands clasping his forearms and then a blurred image of Kuroo’s face did Tsukishima breathing became ecstatic. 

 

“Hey, hey. Focus on me Tsukii. Listen to me breath.”

 

Tsukishima tried to listen and heed Kuroo words but the dream he had was becoming vivid and almost transparent. So he did the opposite, Tsukishima lashed out. 

 

“Get off me! Get off me!”

 

Shocked, Kuroo let go of Tsukii and worriedly steps back with both his hands held up in surrender. Loud footsteps could be heard from outside the hospital room before the door slid open. Kuroo and Tsukishima stared at one another, ignoring the others that walked in. 

 

Chest pounding and heart racing, Tsukishima slips out of his hospital bed, being mindful of his broken foot and carefully holds himself on the bedside table. Blurred images stared back at him but his main focus was on Kuroo’s. Tsukishima didn’t recognise him and Kuroo could see it.

 

Thinking quickly, Kuroo took another step back and watches Tsukii movements. Once he was beside the doctor, Kuroo let’s him know of his newfound information. 

 

“Tsukii thinks he still dreaming.” He whispers and the doctor curses loudly before nodding his head in understanding. 

 

“Talk to him. Calmly speak and guide him back to his bed.” The doc whispered back and he took steps back and away, giving Kuroo room. 

 

Hands raised higher and a little above his head, Kuroo looks Tsukishima in the eye. 

 

“Hey. I’m here to hel-“

 

“ **No you’re  not!”**

 

Everyone freezes from Tsukishima outburst. The deep anguish of his voice made the room cold and Kuroo felt this person standing before him, wasn’t Tsukii but a more timid or younger version. Judging from the way he spoke. Childlike and yet almost mature. 

 

“Trust me. I’m here to help” Kuroo tried again but Tsukishima shakes his head, blonde hair swaying left and right. 

 

“No, No! I’m not going back! I’m not going back!”

 

Feeling confused, Kuroo decided to try a different approach. “Why don’t you want to go back… Kei?”

 

It was then everyone in the room saw the blonde still for a brief second before the tall male trembled. Lips wobbled and tears cascaded down pale cheeks. 

 

“Au-auction hou-house.” Tsukii stutters. 

 

“Auction house?”

 

Tsukishima shakely stood his ground and held Kuroo’s concern gaze before saying something that never thought it would happen. “K-ki-kids are t-taken to-to be sold.”

 

It was then Kuroo felt his whole entire being go numb and he couldn’t move from his spot where he stood. Tsukishima loses balance and collapses on the floor, eyes rolled back and his body seized up. The doctor and a couple of nurses rushed past Kuroo and towards the blonde. 

 

“He’s having a seizure!” The doctor yells and slowly guided Tsukii body to its side and moving everything away Incase something bad happens.

 

Nurses bustled around and Tsukishima body stopped from twitching abnormally. Kuroo was still processing the information Tsukii just spouted.

 

His heart was in doubt. His mind was overworking but he still felt the need to question. If Tsukishima was having a dream, was he reliving it? Was the dream an old memory that cracked through? So many questions to ask and yet Kuroo was afraid to know the answer. 

 

Finally, Kuroo watches as the nurses and a couple of doctors helped lift the blonde back into his hospital bed. 

 

He needs to ring Tsukii parents. 

  
  
  


* * *

 

 

**_June 26th_ **

 

0835am.

  
  
  


_Last night I learnt a little bit of Tsukishima past by doing research on his family._

_I didn’t expect to see articles after articles of the alleged Haku Aoi, Tsukii father._

_A businessman, Typhoon owner, divorced and separated from his family due to an affair._

 

_Aoi was well known in the underground for selective of high quality children. Finding them, destroying their families before whisking them away of promises of new families and a better, brighter future. It was a ploy, a lure to gain trust. But to think he would do it to his own son…_

 

_I’ve never vomited so much in my life. The bile from_

_Lunch was now liquid and tasteless. The thought of seeing a young Tsukki frightened and scared sickened me. Just thinking about it now makes me want to throw up again._

 

_After trying my hardest to wake Tsukki up from his nightmare. I was at a loss. I was weak. I felt weak when I heard his mumbles turn into screams of pain and shouts of help. I grew desperate._

 

_And when he woke up I felt relieved until he shouted again. Tsukii voice was pained, lost and broken._

_I almost crumbled._

 

_Again, the doctors determine Tsukishima behaviour to be normal. Almost normal. Tsukishima-san was angry though and when I relayed to her what happened she got even more angry. Even Akiteru face morphed from his usual cheerful self to one of coldness._

 

_Tsukshima-san got her answer after arguing with the doctors._

 

_Kei’s memory was resurfacing but only behind closed lids._

 

_There was hope after all._

_But._

_What Tsukii father did to him. What he’s done to countless other children._

 

**_Who sells there child….._ **

  
  


* * *

  
  


_Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. I’m sorry if some parts are emotional or in the future will trigger some with past abuse. That is not my attention._

_Bare in mind none of the medical terms are accurate._

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone! I hope to see you on the next chapter!


	5. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kei mentality is tested.  
> Kuroo becomes frightened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very, very sorry for this being relatively slow on updates. I promise you it’s not intentional.  
> This chapter is a little longer than the previous  
> (I think) but I hope you all enjoy it!

**_Chapter 4.2_ **

  
  
  


Kei lays awake as he stares up at the ceiling. The nightmare he had was on loop and often it’ll switch to something else. He was tired, he was exhausted, emotionally and physically but his mind would not rest. He’s aware of the nightmares being memories of his childhood. Chaotic. Destruction. Kei’s eyes welled up in frustration. Why?

That’s all his mind can repeat. Why, why, **WHY!.** He was sick of hearing it but knew he doesn’t have a choice but to find the answers. He was afraid though. Closing his eyes again, closing them from the world filled with colors and shapes, Kei wanted to scream. His mother came into the hospital a little after his emotional breakdown in front of nurses and doctors and…. and Kuroo. 

Frustration be dam. It was embarrassing for Kuroo to witness such state he was in and still showed concern for him. Kei really wishes to be somewhere else instead of white walled with machines bleary every now and then, the smell of anesthetics was nauseating to the point he wants to vomit but his mind wouldn’t stop replaying a memory that traumatized him as a child. 

Lying there in the darkness of his hospital room filled with nothing but scrutiny for what his father did, reliving every moment in a dream. Kei was at a point where he could no longer sleep. 

He lifts himself up from his stiff position on the floor bed and presses the button on the side of the bed. Slowing the top half of the hospital bed raises until Kei stops pressing the button. The bed was not in a position where he could lean back, still be comfortable but able to be seen outside his window. Maybe watching the dark clouds slowly glides past the starry sky will ease his worries. Even if it’s only for a moment.

Kei’s eyes trails across the dark clouds in wonder. Different shapes formed into unimaginable characters to creatures of insects. It took his mind off his hellish nightmares but the strain of wanting to sleep was overcoming him. He knew he should sleep, knew he’ll be questioned once morning arises and the doctors start doing their normal routine of checking their files, running through some tests and scribbling whatever result on the clipboard. Kei was just exhausted and over it. 

As his mind wanders between lunacy or another mental breakdown because of how bad his first one was, Kei tiredly blinks away the warmth that clouded his vision. He wants to remember. Wishes for answers, hoped his family and friends will clue him in anything or give a brief detailed description of what just happened to him earlier. But again he’s too afraid to learn of the outcome if anyone does decide to let him know. 

He lays still on his uncomfortable hospital bed, broken and in pain. The moon makes it appearance from hiding behind clouds, the warmth in his eyes cascaded down his hollow cheeks, trickling across his nose and past his dried lips. The taste of salted tears was almost gratifying if his traitorous throat didn’t make that undeniable choked sound. 

Curling on to his side and away from the window, Kei sobs quietly in the dark as he finally drifts to sleep. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Kei wakes up as if he hadn’t slept for days. His mind still boggled, his movements feels more alert…

_Hang on._ Kei lifts his arms to eye level and he gasps in shock. His cast for his right arm is removed. Throwing off the blankets, the cast on his left leg was also removed and he can freely wiggle his toes. Confused, Kei swings his legs over the bed and freezes when he noticed they don’t instantly touch the ground. When he looks down his eyes widened in disbelief. His whole entire body feels smaller, lighter if not more childlike than his usual muscle toned body. 

_What on earth is going on_ Kei thought and he looks around while touching his face in amazement. After what felt like hours, he came to the conclusion that he was in some sort of bunker. Rows of beds were lined against both sides of the wall and the middle of the were also lined up with bunkered beds. Each bed looked old, worn almost as if this bunker was used…..

 

_Children._

 

It was then it dawned on Kei what was going on and his heart races in fright. Somehow he was fighting the urge to sleep but at the same time forcing his conscious to ponder if sleeping will help gain some sort of muscle memory, memories in general. 

In doubt and afraid, Kei was not looking forward to see whatever it is his mind decides to show him. 

Allowing his child body to move, his feet touches the cold concrete floor and he hisses from the feel of it. Instantly he wishes for a pair of socks but chose to deal with the coldness to learn why he’s dreaming of his memories. 

His tiny hands grasps the many beds as he slowly walked down the middle section. Quiet murmurs whispers around him and no matter how hard Kei tries, there are no children or an adult to dissuade the murmurs he’s been hearing. Hell walking down the middle felt endless until he heard screams. 

Again his little mind ponder of reaching that iron metal door and prying it open or suffer by listening to other children scream and cry for whatever reasons. Kei was trembling. He thought of the possibilities, reasoned with himself that this is all fake. But everything around him felt surreal he couldn’t help delve deeper and walked further down the lines of bed. 

After what felt like many minutes turning into endless hours, Kei managed to get to the metal door and turns the door knob. He twisted it clockwise first before jiggling the door handle altogether. Panic starts to consume in, his breathing became laboured and his heart carved within itself. Putting in more force, Kei shakes the door knob and he sobs as he panics. 

What felt like seconds ticking into minutes the door bushes open and what he sees causes him to faint. 

  
  


**_I.I_ **

 

Blinking, Kei notices he’s no longer in the mass room full of bunk beds but in a dark room with sounds of whimpering and sobbing. He sits up slowly and flutters his eyelashes as he tries to see through the dark. Looking around him he feels as if he’s alone and the sounds he’s hearing are elsewhere until he yelps in surprise when a child falls in front of him. Reaching out, Kei hands shook the little boy, there was no response and his heart sank when he felt the thread of fear creep up on him. 

Pushing himself up on his legs, wobbly at first, Kei blindly reaches in front of him and wiggles his little fingers. Eyes moves around the darkroom and the whimpering causes his ears to strain. His breathing quickens as he takes small steps, one foot in front of the other. Kei never wished for light so much so he can see,  as he preferred the darkness. This darkness though, the blanket of blackness surrounds him like a thick sheet, encasing him, pressuring him to feel things he’s never been afraid of before. 

He continues to walk blindly through the dark until his feet meets liquid warmth and the strong smell of iron warps him, Kei panics when he looks down at his feet. 

With the little light peeking through a small hole of a brick wall, Kei begins to tremble as the light grew larger. Before him were children around his age and some in their early teens. He falls on his little bottom as he noticed men as large as trees in width,  whips in hand and beating disobedient teenagers whereas a couple of the large men shackle children and collared them before assembling them in line. 

Suddenly Kei feels a presence behind him and it was too late for him to react. But he does remember one crucial thing about this ordeal.

The feeling of terror never stops.

 Over and over again as if he was in an endless loop being repeated like a broken record player, this scene he sees behind closed lids greets him like no other. 

He could be a child and afraid of what’s to come or he’s a teenager being brutally abused by his captors and the silent screams seized with closed lips. 

Over and over again, Kei could never pass the dark room filled with littered bodies covered in their own soils. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Kuroo was panicking. Alongside him was Bokuto and Akaashi. They too did not know what to do or how they can help but stand aside, watching the doctors pile into Kei’s hospital room. Nurses calling orders and eventually everything became too much to handle. 

Guided out of the room, Kuroo helplessly stares after Kei’s body that thrushes and seizes. He came in twenty minutes ago with Akashi and Bokuto to visit, they saw he was deep in sleep. They noticed how drenched Kei was and notified the nurses. When the nurse came in, everything became a blur.

Akaashi was the one who cries out in shock whilst Bokuto jolts in panic. Kuroo. Kuroo stood rigid as he remembers the first time this has happened. That was a week ago. 

“I-is this- does this always happen?” Akaashi stutters as he holds onto Bokuto’s bicep for comfort. 

Kuroo could only nod his head in silence and slumps in the seat opposite Kei’s door. “It’s been consistent since he started to remember..”

Bokuto helps Akaashi to a seat and crouches in front of him with a shaky smile and looks at Kuroo. “Tsukii strong. He-“

“And if he not!” Kuroo explodes making his two friends jump in surprise. He should’ve stopped there and apologise for his outburst but he felt so much guilt and pain in seeing Kei suffer. Suffering because of him. 

“What if Kei decides he rather not remember? What if he thinks what he’s seeing isn’t anything but nightmares from a lucid dream?” Kuroo sounded estranged. He felt it too. But he was  starting to give up on hope. 

Bokuto stands up and looks at Kuroo with sad eyes and the dark haired man grits his teeth, gnaws on his lower lip, pressuring it with harshness knowing he won’t be able to stop himself from saying something regrettable. 

But it was Akaashi who spoke up, he stood tall and in front of Kuroo, face to face with a snarl on his lips. Eyes heated you could see the animosity.

It didn’t stop Akaashi hitting low. 

 

“ **_Kei wouldn’t be in this mess if you weren’t so oblivious to his feelings for the last three and a half years!”_ **

 

A moment of silence filled with truths spoke loud and clear. The very words he pushed aside ever since the accident, since Kei woke up and when he heard the news of temporary amnesia. Kuroo knew it was partially to blame but never allowed himself to feel it until now. Akaashi was breathing heavily and he must’ve realised what he said because the raven haired student teared up with apologies. 

Akaashi was right though. He was oblivious. 

With his head bowed and shoulders slumped in defeat,  Kuroo stands up and walks towards the exit saying he’ll be back later. Akaashi tried to go after him but Bokuto stops him with a shake of his head. 

 

“Let him be Keiji. He’ll come back.”

 

Akaashi knows this. He feels like shit for saying something hurtful when it doesn’t concern him. So he wipes his tears and folds his arms in front of his chest and looks straight at the hospital door where Kei been residing in. 

Bokuto looks where Kuroo disappears and back at Kei’s closed door. “ _We need you Tsukii. More than ever.”_

  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


26th of November.  
12:18pm

  
  
  


_That heavy feeling that settles on your shoulders never leaves. Always there as a reminder of the burden, secrets, regrets and so much more. It’s mind boggling when others come and try to help you out and yet it becomes a whirlwind of discrimination, a voice of hate before it evaporates into emptiness._

 

_I’ve been writing in this journal that was given to me by Kuroo. He’s been by my side since I woke up and possibly before then.._

 

_He’s handsome, charismatic, thoughtful and undoubtedly intelligent considering he looks nothing but a juvenile student or in Akaashi wayward way of exposing him, and idiot with no filter. It’s befitting but also quite charming to see both sides of him…_

 

_I rather enjoy conversing with Kuroo. He’s patient, understanding. He listens to me when I need to relent some stuff off my chest and later he’ll try to help with any advice he can give. I notice he likes to sit and listen to me talk, comments when necessary or if I’ve trailed off topic by laughing and asking what happened.._

 

_But I wish Kuroo would ask._

_I hope he doesn’t smile so easily at me as if he sees the old me and not the current version of Tsukishima Kei but even so, he never asks if I remember about my past and present, details of the accident that I should be aware of. Kuroo waits patiently even though I can see how strained he is._

 

_My heart aches knowing I have the answer and cannot answer them due to this blockade, a bright red door sits deep in my subconscious and I can’t bring myself to open it. I feel selfish telling the doctors, my family and friends that I can't remember much.._

 

_Truth is.._

_The truth is…_

 

_I started to remember._

_Not much. But I’m starting to remember._

_Everything that happened to me when I was a child, when I was found at an auction house with other whimpering children around my age. I remembered why my father did it and why he handed me over so easily. He was a man with a huge debt and refused to ask my mother for help. Instead he used me since I was a child, pure and innocent. Fresh in the eyes of the black market buyers. I learned a child’s body is worth as much as gold between buyers, learnt how special a child is after they’ve been cleansed, trained._

 

_My father was nothing but a coward._

 

_And I’m my father's son._

_A coward._

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


Kei gently placed his pen against his closed journal and looks outside his window in thought. The doctor had to tell him he had another seizure during his sleep and may continue to do so. A neurologist was present during the evaluation and quipped in now and then, his input was thoroughly of how they can proceed and keep his seizures at bay. They question if he knew as to why he or any medical history of him having seizures in case it was genectic. 

 

Kei thought they were ruling out possibilities until his mother told them to check his file if they’re doctors instead of questioning. That was after she told them he has no past history of seizures. That was great and all. 

 

He sighs quietly and looks to his right when he heard movement from the visitors chair. Kuroo lays there with his head resting against his closed fist while the other arm laid lazily against his thigh. His dark fringe covered majority of his face as his head slips a little lower from its held position. Kei smiles as he heard quiet, soft snores. 

 

Throughout his duration being kept in hospital due to his injuries, working on his physical strength in his arm and leg, Kuroo had stayed by his side every step of the way. Even through his darkest moments, his bad attitude when he wanted to be left alone or when he was at his best and proud of how far he’s improving. Kei started to feel things he knows he shouldn’t and weren’t sure if the dark haired male felt anything towards him. He would rather contemplate on that later.

 

As the sun slowly sets behind the cities buildings, Kei opens his journal once more and goes to a page where a sketch was started. Looking back at Kuroo, he grabs his pen and adds more details to a face he hopes he’ll never get to see. As the sun settles and the lights in his room dimmed enough to still be able to see, Kei closed hand trembled as he sketches. His mind trails and he breathes in a shaky breath as an image blinded his vision. 

 

He wrote in his journal about how his memories have slowly returned when he closes his eyes, but as of late..

 

Kei was starting to remember snippets of his years as a highschooler, small little pieces of his life. It was a shock at first and some were embarrassing and other little details of his repressed memories showed how much of an arse hole he was during his teenage years. 

 

He pauses in his drawing has he felt a trickle slide down his face and he gasps in surprise. Half of Kuroo’s face was now displayed and staring at him and covers his mouth to suppress the sob that wants to escape. He remembers those feelings he harbored for Kuroo and how badly it affected him throughout the years and now that he’s injured, amnesia going away, Kei covers his face as more images come to life. He’s afraid. Very afraid, with all these emotions he’s feeling for the man who lays next to him, Kei doesn’t know what to do anymore. 

 

Kei remembers how critical he was of himself, doubting himself, destroying every little piece of his being in anyway possible. Thoughts echoed like a blazed heat wave, acidic even. If there was one thing that Kei has learned from his scrambled memories, he’s learned how bad he didn’t love himself. 

 

With his breathing hollow, his tears soaking his chin and dripping onto his white shirt, limps tremble as everything begins to finally settle. 

 

Unbeknownst to Kei, Kuroo had peeked from his closed eyelids and saw how the man he loves crumbles within a matter of seconds. He stayed silent and watched over the blonde as he was unaware of being watched. Kuroo had to steady his breathing when he noticed how strong the blonde was from breaking down as he wrote inside his journal, stayed calm when he saw honey irises stare at him longingly. And before he open his eyes to smile at Kei, Kuroo had to force himself from doing so as he realised how broken Kei has become. 

 

Quietly, Kuroo lifts himself from his comfortable and yet stiff position, picked up the headset he brought three days ago and leaned a little forward to place them over Kei’s ears. Kuroo watches with caution and picks up his phone to press play. The sounds of acoustic guitars and melodic voice sang blissfully and Kei had removed his hands from his face to look up. This time Kuroo does smile, this time Kuroo does allow himself a little of lenancy and sits on the edge of the small hospital bed. He watches for any signs of discomfort before finally allowing his body to feel the one he’s been dying to hold against him. With careful movements he finally wrapped his arms around Kei’s shoulders and hugged him against his chest. Pushing the left side of his headset, Kuroo whispers words for Kei to hear.

 

“Let it out. Don’t hold it in. Cry or scream, I’m here.”

 

And Kei did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! This chapter was awfully hard to write, mostly because I had to really delve into a state and put myself where Tsukii mentality currently is. There’s a few more chapters left to go and the updates will be slower. Again I apologise. It is getting closer to Christmas and New Years and hopefully I’ll have a chapter up by then. But if not, I wish you all a merry Christmas and a happy new year! Be safe and enjoy the festivities!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Hoped you all enjoyed this chapter!! 
> 
> Apologies on any grammar or typos. I’ll be editing and fixing errors as the story progresses. 
> 
> Let me know how you felt in the comments! It helps fuels me and my insomniac mind! Kudos is just as lovely too!


End file.
